A Ball
We had a ball in our University this Friday and I went there. I got to dance, laugh and chat with interesting people and my friends. I love dressing up, doing my make up and hair and feeling beautiful and desired by men.
3 people know plus therapyst
I went to visit my good friend T, she is in the hospital because of depression.
I have known her for 6 mounts but I trust her more than my most friends. I told her about my bulimia and she was so supportive and worried about me. She is really a good and sweet person. she thinks I need to go to the hospital to the eating disorder section. I agree with her but I am scared. I need to do something before it is too late. I need to get my life and motivation back. I am also depressed because Everything is going so badly.My university study’s are absolute shit. My personal life I okey but I am so depressed that I cant enjoy a party.
i went to a birthday party on Thursday, I ate way to much and at some point I knew I was going to through up so I just ate until I was full and then went and got rid of it. disgusting.
27 euros
No Purging for two days, good and almost normal eating, even better.
I also sold 27 euros worth of clothes I don’t ware to my friend. Really needed and money and the closet space. I feel I have too much stuff, like if I want to move to another place it will take so much time and effort. I want to pack all my stuff to one or two suitcases and just go where-ever I want. Like hope on a plane and leave everything behind. So I am organizing, sorting out and selling everything I don’t need or don’t like a lot.
My hair looks dead, I haven’t had a Haircut for more than a Year. I feel I don’t deserve it.
I am sinking more and more each day.
Not ever sure what to do.
Purging is getting easier. Also I have now my favorite food to trough up, like bread with melted cheese and ham and tomatoes.
I bought laxatives, although I promised myself I would never ever use them again. I managed not to use them for 4 months.
making cake
Been at my boyfriends place for 2 days and of course I am feeling better and relaxed.
Yesterday I made cake because well when I was wasted last week I promised my boyfriend I would make it. I am a really bad cook, and I am also extremely self-critical so if it is not perfect it is not okey. But he said I tasted good. While making it I taste tested a lot like I was licking or getting small bites all the time. So so bad.
I have my next appointment on Monday with my therapist. I this he wants to give me some new medications for mu bulimia and Depression. I am not taking anything at the moment. I hope the new antidepressants make me more motivated to do my school work because at the moment I am just so behind and I have like no motivations do even try to get back on track.
My weight, I have no idea haven’t weighed myself for like 3 weeks. I hope that I haven’t gained because that would just make me supper anxious and depressed and even more self destructive.
hating everything
Had my therapy session today, I just feel I am wasting my therapist time because I am not getting better actually worse.
I have no strength in me do anything even getting out of bed to get to my therapy is so so so hard.
Haven’t see my boyfriend over a week but he is coming back to my town today and I get to see him, I just have to get a better mood. At the moment I just hate everything and everyone.
I want to binge and purge but I don’t want to be even more bloated when I go see him. He likes to hold me and rest his hands on my stomach. And I am on my period so that means bloat already and no sex. fuck, sex would actually make me not think for like a few hours, that would be so good for my brain that only thinks about food and weight all day long. At least I will get some kisses and hugs and some cuddling and he well maybe even more If I am in the mood. Just him being with me and holding me will make my mood so so much better.
Yesterday I had ballroom dancing lessons, and after we went to a pub to get to know each-other better. When I have consumed a fair amount of alcohol I can actually tolerate people and be social as hell. Maybe I should start drinking before school, so I would actually go to school.
2 days and 4 binge/purge’s
I just dont know what to do….
And I am to depressed to write or function like a normal person.
I just want something else.
I drank
A lot yesterday and today I have an hangover from hell. I am so behind with my schoolwork.
I am too depressed to do anything.
Good run
Today I did my third run this year 7,5 km in 53 minutes. And I feel so much more relaxed and better about my body and weight. In December I purged 20 times in January I purged 11 times, in February 8. I am slowly getting better I hope. Of course I am much more depressed in winter time so I also purge more and in summer I can exercise instead of purging.
so tired
I have so much to do. I have university paper to write, sorority stuff to do, like memorizing official songs and writing a “short” 20 page paper about a topic I choose. I am just so fucking tired, not even tired I am fed up and depressed. I dont want to do anything, even getting up from bed is sometimes hard.
How to be more motivated to do stuff? I have no idea. Thinking about food and weight takes most of my energy so there is not much left for other things. Things that are actually important.
University- I am not happy with the subject I am studying but I dont know what I want to study so I stay on this road. Also my mom… she wants me to graduate and so I try to make her happy, at the same time I hate every day of it.
iamfineeverythingisfine 